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:/ [Apr. 17th, 2013|02:30 pm]
seen_in_dreams
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[Current Location |United Kingdom, England,Hampshire,Fareham District, Locks Heath]

Am attempting to give up cigarettes and restart my fasting at the same time - I must really hate myself or something lol

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Not sure what I'm doing [Feb. 10th, 2013|01:17 am]
seen_in_dreams
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Ugh, I'm still fat.
Currently, I'm Playing Slender Rising on IPhone with friends - each of us are playing the app at the same time.
I've taken a break to type this. I'm a bit of a wimp - I got one note and freaked out when I turned around and saw the slender man standing there.

Tonight, I've had about 9 pints, plus some vodka.

Add to that the pizza, kebab and shot I've eaten, I've probably had about 2000 calories, at least.

I hate myself at the moment.

I'm 25 in April, and I. Don't. Want. To. Be. Fat. Anymore.

I realise that I may have fallen for someone recently, and not realised until they had gone.

I think I spent so long denying it because hey, noone ever falls for me, that I didn't even take the chance to become a close friend to this guy.

I just watched him leave.

And now that I realise exactly what it was that I felt for him, it fucking hurts. A lot.

He said he'd come back and visit, but he won't.

He has moved on with his life, which is good - and I'm happy for him - but he won't be back.

I'm not stupid.

I swear being fat holds me back.

It ruins everything.

Right now, I just want to not eat so that I can fade to nothing.

Which is funny in itself, since I'm still around 217 lbs.

With the amount of alcohol that I have had, and the way that I feel, I hope I can avoid eating until tomorrow.

I seriously just don't need to eat.

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(no subject) [Jan. 3rd, 2013|11:15 am]
seen_in_dreams
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[Current Location |United Kingdom, England,Hampshire,Fareham District, Locks Heath]

Ugh, I feel disgusting.

I openly acknowledge that I have an eating disorder - I'm not in a position where I feel I want to - or can - seek help.

Recently, I realised that the reason I've gotten fat is because I attempted to sort out my anorexic tendencies on my own, it didn't realised my binge eating tendencies were also in need of sorting out.

As a result, I've gained and gained and gained.

It's no wonder my life is that of a perpetually single fuck up:

I. AM. DISGUSTING.

Seriously.

I keep telling myself that I'm 24 now - too old, too "grown up" for eating like a teenage wannarexic; that I should just eat normally, like most of my friends, or my mum.

But then I remember that I don't know how to eat like a normal person - I can only do extremes.

I either overeat constantly, or undereat constantly... There's no in-between, no middle ground.

Yet, with this admission clearly showing that I have serious issues regarding food, people look at me and are surprised that I have a history of living on 800 calories a day for month at a time, and that I have that nasty little voice in my head that most anorexics experience... Because im fat.

People think I have no willpower, no dignity, no self-control because I'm fat... Or maybe, I just think that they do?

Fuck knows - I'm a paranoid, eating disordered, lazy, fat, mentally Ill, overworked, single and lonely fuck up. And it sucks.

If I'm going to sort out my weight and shit this year (last year I got a job and my first ever flat of my own after being homeless, since doing that was essential to my well being) I have to take up my restrictive mind set again - I can't do normal eating, so I'll have to swing to the opposite of binging and be fucked up in another way, in order to lose weight.

At 12 (it's 11.09 am), I'm beginning a fast until 5pm (maybe 6pm, to get to a round 30 hours).

Fuck it, I can fast and it sorts out my IBS (wonder if I've brought that on myself by being eating disordered - I can almost explain away my hair loss by bringing up my PCOS...), makes me feel in control, as gets my body to burn fat... So it's worth doing it.

So long as I have 0 to 1 calorie, flavoured drinks, I'm good and can stick with it.

I have to succeed - I can't stay like this!

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(no subject) [Nov. 9th, 2012|12:27 am]
seen_in_dreams
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[Current Location |United Kingdom, England,Hampshire,Fareham District, Locks Heath]

Have just used www.freedieting.com/tools/calorie_calculator.htm# to come up with my bmr, and I noticed that it provides you with a weeks worth of zig-zagged calories.

I know I said 1400 before, but maybe this is better - it will ease me in gradually, and hopefully, I'll find it easy to stick to :)

It seems like a lot, but I'm so fat, I would lose weight on these calories (disgusting, really)...

Monday 1776
Tuesday 1776
Wednesday 2132
Thursday 1776
Friday 1776
Saturday 1954
Sunday 1776

I will adjust the totals each week.

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Holy Hell [Nov. 8th, 2012|11:49 pm]
seen_in_dreams
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[Current Location |United Kingdom, England,Hampshire,Fareham District, Locks Heath]

I have not been on here for years!

I used a different blog on lj, then moved to tumblr for a bit.

I'm still fat, & fatter than before!

As of 5 mins ago, I weighed 222 lbs!

I was down to 205 several weeks ago... I just binge more than I starve/restrict.

Starting from tomorrow (its 23:46 over here in the uk), I am going to ease myself into restricting calories again, by limiting my intake to 1400 calories, then gradually cutting down to a more suitable number.

I will also update daily, with intake and weight.

Fuck this shit. Fuck being fat.

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Im Back... [Oct. 24th, 2008|09:26 am]
seen_in_dreams
God, I haven't been on here in ages!
Shockingling, I'm heavier than I used to be.
My weight has gone up to 15.5 Stones! :S Ew.
I resolved to begin a diet yesterday, when i saw the scales, and today I'm down from 216 lbs to 213 lbs.
I am determined to be at least 2 stones (28 lbs) lighter by christmas.
For some reason, I find it easier not to binge-and to avoid doing so-when I swap food for drinks.
So, the plan is to avoid solids during the day at lunch and breakfast, and then to have a small portion of food in the evenings.
It will work, so I may as well do it.
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Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck [Aug. 15th, 2007|08:59 pm]
seen_in_dreams
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Subject line says it all.
I was 189 lbs on Wednesday.
I Feel like shit.

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(no subject) [Jul. 8th, 2007|04:30 pm]
seen_in_dreams
Meh.
I havnt posted in ages.
Im 184, down from 185 last week. I put a shit-load of weight on (at least 7 lbs...well, more like 10 lbs) since I gave up smoking, and I just cant shift it.
Well, actually, I lie-that 1 lb loss was the first lb in ages. 
Im aiming to be at least 140 lbs by 14th October 2007.
Im going to try to avoid what BED (which is what I think I get episodes of-its not diagnosed though), or EDNOS, or whatever Ive got...
Its horrible.
My life is shit, and its gone mental.
Im not really in control.
At the same time, though, Im in complete control-or I have the potential to be.
Im just gonna stick to easier rules to begin with...

1.) Eat only the Very Best.
2.) Eat somewhat less of the Very Best.
3.) Eat the Very Best only at Mealtimes.

Some people might recognise this as being from The Martini Diet by Jennifer "Gin" Sanders.
I quite like it.
Its certainly adaptable.
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(no subject) [Jan. 2nd, 2007|06:11 pm]
seen_in_dreams
I think maybe I should try for the whole control thing with calories, but stick to 1200-1300, and say exercise enough each day to take either of those numbers down to 1000?
I think that would be like doing no exercise, and sticking to 1000 cals...except that my metabolism will have raised.
Pfft.
Im shit at this. Shit, I tell you!
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(no subject) [Jan. 2nd, 2007|05:44 pm]
seen_in_dreams
Okay...
I suck.
Its official.
I was 182 lbs on Monday, and I decided there and then that my new years resolution was to lose 28lbs by the 9th April 2007 (the day after my b/day).
The Idea is that Ive under marked what I could achieve, so that if I lose even a couple of lbs more than that, Ill be even happier with myself!
:)
I dont know whats wrong with me...I know EDs and EDNOS arent great, but you know, I cant get outta it.
I either binge, like I have for the past god nows how many months (i.e. compulsive over-eating), or I try to (and occasionally succeed) starve myself down a few lbs. Its not a game, and I dont do it because Im a glutton, or a wannabe anorexic.
So why cant I just eat "normally"?
I just dont get it!
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