Ugh, I feel disgusting.
I openly acknowledge that I have an eating disorder - I'm not in a position where I feel I want to - or can - seek help.
Recently, I realised that the reason I've gotten fat is because I attempted to sort out my anorexic tendencies on my own, it didn't realised my binge eating tendencies were also in need of sorting out.
As a result, I've gained and gained and gained.
It's no wonder my life is that of a perpetually single fuck up:
I. AM. DISGUSTING.
I keep telling myself that I'm 24 now - too old, too "grown up" for eating like a teenage wannarexic; that I should just eat normally, like most of my friends, or my mum.
But then I remember that I don't know how to eat like a normal person - I can only do extremes.
I either overeat constantly, or undereat constantly... There's no in-between, no middle ground.
Yet, with this admission clearly showing that I have serious issues regarding food, people look at me and are surprised that I have a history of living on 800 calories a day for month at a time, and that I have that nasty little voice in my head that most anorexics experience... Because im fat.
People think I have no willpower, no dignity, no self-control because I'm fat... Or maybe, I just think that they do?
Fuck knows - I'm a paranoid, eating disordered, lazy, fat, mentally Ill, overworked, single and lonely fuck up. And it sucks.
If I'm going to sort out my weight and shit this year (last year I got a job and my first ever flat of my own after being homeless, since doing that was essential to my well being) I have to take up my restrictive mind set again - I can't do normal eating, so I'll have to swing to the opposite of binging and be fucked up in another way, in order to lose weight.
At 12 (it's 11.09 am), I'm beginning a fast until 5pm (maybe 6pm, to get to a round 30 hours).
Fuck it, I can fast and it sorts out my IBS (wonder if I've brought that on myself by being eating disordered - I can almost explain away my hair loss by bringing up my PCOS...), makes me feel in control, as gets my body to burn fat... So it's worth doing it.
So long as I have 0 to 1 calorie, flavoured drinks, I'm good and can stick with it.
I have to succeed - I can't stay like this!
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.